On Sunday the boyz turned 4 months. Quite naturally, we filled their bottles with Haffenreffer and we celebrated in style. I cannot believe 4 months have passed...and sometimes I have a difficult time remembering life before my sons' arrival. Yes, that could be due to a backlog of sleep deprivation. But every day I come home from work to these two smiling little faces...damn, life is good. Even when:
Yesterday we brought them to the pediatrician for their four month checkup and inoculations. They are doing very well. The doctor was very pleased. Both boyz weigh in at 14.7lbs...yep, little Kevin caught up to Jason. Jason is still taller by 3/4 of an inch. He's 24.75 inches long and Kevin is exactly 2 feet. They did very well during their checkups until their shots. Then they were inconsolable for the rest of the day and into the night. If they weren't sleeping, they were screaming. The infant Tylenol helped out Jason during the evening, but still...nothing rends your heart like hearing an infant (or two) crying because they're in pain.
I was standing over Kevin when he got his shots and, of course, looked RIGHT at me when he was stuck three times. Naturally, I figured then he would associate seeing me with the pain. I'm sure it will happen when he's a teenager, after all. When I got home from work, I bent down to say hello and he looked up and smiled at me. Whew.
After that, I took Jason over to the changing table to change him (duh). He was just...screaming. I mean, he went ballistic. I did my best to calm him down but he just wasn't having any bit of it. Kay came upstairs to see what was the matter, and I totally snapped at her.
Here's the thing: as cucumber cool as I may seem on the exterior, I'm still very insecure with being a new parent. I want to prove to the world that I can do this. I can get very competitive with myself and I am not a happy camper if I cannot figure out a solution to a problem. "I don't need help."
I love my sons so very, very much and do not ever want to be the type of man that hands off a screaming baby to the nearest female in the room because I just can't deal. And I am willing to go WAY out of the course of reason and logic to prove that I can handle anything. I will physically stop people from offering or attempting to take my son away from me to belabor that point.
Back to snapping at Kay. I was frustrated above all of my son crying not because I couldn't seem to console him, but because someone would take him away and then be successful at consoling him. Kay reached out to console, and I think I did the human equivalent of growling. I then stopped, took a step back (mentally) and then began to try to explain everything I've just written above. My written word tends to be significantly more coherent than my spoken word.
She then said something to me that made all the sense in the world: sometimes, just because, a baby wants it's mother. Not it's grandmother, nanny or father. There's an ultra special bond between a mother and her baby. It was like someone had slapped me out of a stupor. Sure enough, I walked over to Kathy and gave her Jason. Kathy had also been offering to take him but I said it was ok, I got this. Jason cried for like 10 seconds and then calmed right down and snuggled in.
Damn, did I feel really, really stupid, arrogant and stubborn (I know, every one of you is saying: "uh, yeah...that's you normally, Joe"). What is wrong with me? That is like the most basic thing in human nature, and here I am letting my pride get in the way.
I suppose the best lessons are learned when you fail and then apply what you've learned from your experience to succeed the next time. School's in for me. Thank you, Kay.
More later,
Joe
